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Funeral poemsAfter he died, they pulled up his stats

After he died, they pulled up his stats

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Lucas Jones · 2025

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After he died, they pulled up his stats

Lucas Jones · 2025

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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Funny Modern Plain English Unusual

Meaning

A man dies and is handed the numbers his life added up to: girlfriends, stitches, a master's degree, twenty-one thousand pounds of McDonald's, one night nobody talks about. He is told it is all fairly average and asks if he can quickly have another go.

Who's it for

A man who was ordinary, flawed and much loved. Right for a service that wants to laugh and does not want him made into a saint.

Lucas Jones

British · Around 30 years old

@lucassjoness

@lucasthejones

linktr.ee/lucassjoness

Lucas Jones is an actor and a poet. He grew up in Huntingdon in a pentecostal family, moved house seven times before he was fourteen, and lives in London now. He started putting poems on the internet in 2023 and more than a million people follow him.

More about Lucas Jones →

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Bus Shelter

This poem is for someone who thought the fuss about dying was a bit much. Right for a commuter, a queuer, anyone who spent their life waiting patiently for things.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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Congratulations to you

This poem is for a decent, lazy, forgiven, non-religious person. Right for a service that wants to be fond of somebody rather than solemn about them.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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God said knock knock

This poem is for someone who was funny and never settled the God question. Right for a service that wants permission to laugh.

FunnyModern

2026

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

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I met God at the supermarket

This poem is for somebody who ran out of time with things left to do. Right for a service the family want the room to leave in a hurry to go and live.

FunnyModern

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

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In the Departure Lounge

This poem is for someone whose last words to you were about nothing at all. Right for a family who keep going back over an ordinary conversation they didn't know was the last one.

FunnyModern

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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On His Books

This poem is for someone who would have hated a solemn funeral and told a joke at their own. Right for a reader, a writer, or a cheerful rogue.

For a writerFunny

1923

10 sec

The man who died at his desk job

This poem is for a colleague, read by the workmate who had lunch with him. Right for a service full of people who only knew him from the office and liked him anyway.

FunnyModern

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35 sec

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

When I'm Gone

This poem is for someone who'd have laughed at being called an inspiration. Right for a dad, a grandad, or anyone who was better at the washing up than the big gestures.

FunnyModern

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

More about this poem →

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Adulthood

This poem is for a family who feel something at a funeral and have no words for it. Right for a room that is not religious and is not comfortable saying so either.

ComfortingModern

2024

50 sec

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Afterlife

This poem is for a child's funeral, or a family who want somewhere hopeful to put the question without naming a religion. It is playful on purpose.

For a childModern

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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Afterparty

This poem is for a family being swallowed by the ugly end of grief. It tells them what the anger is made of without asking them to feel better yet.

ComfortingModern

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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Are you winning

This poem is for a nurse, a carer, or anybody who worked in the room where people die. Right for a service full of colleagues who did the same job.

ModernPlain English

2026

1 min

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Because I could not stop for Death

This poem is for someone unhurried, who took things as they came and was never frightened of what was ahead.

A classicGentle

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50 sec

Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me; The carriage held but just ourselves And Immortality. We slowly drove, he knew no haste, And I had put away My labor, and my leisure too, For his civility. We passed the school where children played, Their lessons scarcely done; We passed the fields of gazing grain, We passed the setting sun. We paused before a house that seemed A swelling of the ground; The roof was scarcely visible, The cornice but a mound. Since then 't is centuries; but each Feels shorter than the day I first surmised the horses' heads Were toward eternity.

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Boys and their dads

This poem is for a father and son who got it almost right. Right for a service where a man is going to have to stand up and talk about his dad.

For a fatherModern

2026

2 min

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

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chasing ceremony/convincing myself

This poem is for somebody who loved them and cannot be in the room. Right where a brother is abroad, a sister is too ill to travel, or the person who knew them longest is the one who has to watch on a screen.

ModernNon-religious

2021

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

More about this poem →

Congratulations to you

This poem is for a decent, lazy, forgiven, non-religious person. Right for a service that wants to be fond of somebody rather than solemn about them.

FunnyModern

2025

25 sec

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Dead family visiting room

This poem is for someone who was never tidy and was all heart. Right for a family who would rather laugh about the shelf than pretend it got done.

GentleModern

2024

25 sec

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Death, be not proud

This poem is for a believer, and a family who want something with some fight in it rather than a quiet goodbye. It suits a person who argued back all their life.

A classicReligious

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55 sec

Death, be not proud, though some have callèd thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so: For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow Die not, poor Death; nor yet canst thou kill me. From Rest and Sleep, which but thy picture be, Much pleasure, then from thee much more must flow; And soonest our best men with thee do go-- Rest of their bones and souls' delivery! Thou'rt slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell; And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well And better than thy stroke. Why swell'st thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally, And Death shall be no more: Death, thou shalt die!

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Death's probably a gift

This poem is for a family who want comfort without religion. Right after a long life, or a long illness that was fought hard.

ModernNon-religious

2026

2 min

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Dirge Without Music

This poem is for a family who are angry about it and would rather not pretend otherwise. Right for a death that makes no sense to anyone who knew them.

ModernNon-religious

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I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground. So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind: Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned. Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you. Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust. A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew, A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost. The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,— They are gone. They are gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve. More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses of the world. Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

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This poem is for a husband or wife who was told how long they had. Right for a family who watched somebody spend their last weeks reassuring everybody else.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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This poem is for a man who kept a sense of purpose right to the end. Right for a family who want to say what he was for rather than what he was like.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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A simple poem for someone who's dead

This poem is for a child reading at a funeral, or anybody who can only manage four lines. Right where somebody wants to speak and knows they will not get through much.

For a childGentle

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Adulthood

This poem is for a family who feel something at a funeral and have no words for it. Right for a room that is not religious and is not comfortable saying so either.

ComfortingModern

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Afterlife

This poem is for a child's funeral, or a family who want somewhere hopeful to put the question without naming a religion. It is playful on purpose.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

More about this poem →

Afterparty

This poem is for a family being swallowed by the ugly end of grief. It tells them what the anger is made of without asking them to feel better yet.

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We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

More about this poem →

Again

This poem is for anyone in the first terrible weeks who has caught themselves wishing they had never met. It is the answer to that thought.

ComfortingModern

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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All At Once

This poem is for a family who feel they are grieving wrongly, especially anyone who caught themselves laughing. It tells them nothing has gone wrong.

ComfortingModern

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

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And the angels said

This poem is for someone whose whole identity was being loved by one person. Right for the shortest possible reading at a partner's funeral.

For a partnerGentle

2024

10 sec

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Are you winning

This poem is for a nurse, a carer, or anybody who worked in the room where people die. Right for a service full of colleagues who did the same job.

ModernPlain English

2026

1 min

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Boys and their dads

This poem is for a father and son who got it almost right. Right for a service where a man is going to have to stand up and talk about his dad.

For a fatherModern

2026

2 min

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

Hear Lucas Jones read it on TikTok.

More about this poem →

Bus Shelter

This poem is for someone who thought the fuss about dying was a bit much. Right for a commuter, a queuer, anyone who spent their life waiting patiently for things.

FunnyModern

2015

We are not licensed to show this poem here. You can still read it aloud at a funeral.

More about this poem →

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